This is a collection of my work, some old, some new.
#18
You are in my peripheral
even when I close my eyes
You are the haunting part of me
that sees past all my lies
but are you really
the person inside my head
are you what is more
than what you’ve said
wouldn’t it be simple
if soul mates were real
one person meant for you
sense to what you feel
believe six impossible things
Five are spent on you
number six is spent on hope
that I find out what to do
my words are all confused
perfectly mirroring my mind
I can only hope to sort the pieces
before I run out of time
#17
Dearest Friend,
I scoured the world for some advice. Something that would make all the hurt go away and all of the pleasant things rise to the surface. Something to make me forget how I feel about you and move on to one of the kind sweet individuals who do want me.
I suppose I realized that I’m just scared. Which way do you turn when no matter what you do someone might get hurt. But in the end, no matter what you do there is a chance that it will hurt somebody. There are always more chances, but the mistakes you make are important. Every mistake I’ve made has made me grow as a person. Mistakes other people have made are the ones that hurt me in the end.
Maybe my mistake in wanting you hurts you. I can’t possibly know. We often have the same thought, but I cannot read your mind. What happened to our friendship that befuddled our conversations? I think it happened when you stopped approving of me wholeheartedly and started to be concerned for the decisions I make.
The phrase “if you love them let them go” has always terrified me as well. Only people who don’t love me seem to let me go. Adversely I only let people go when I’m afraid they don’t love me. It would seem that I am defensive half the time, and foolish the rest. You’re one of my best friends and I hate that it hurts to talk to you because of the pang of realization that you don’t feel the same.
You seem to be one of the people I love without limits. Melinda is one, no matter how much I hate her, I love her with all of my heart. Evin is another, I’m always afraid someone is going to hurt him somehow and I admire his sunshine. Jenette is my hero because she is bold in her simple ignorance of the rules of social norms and success just the same. Jasmine, because she never lets me forget that she loves me. You, because you are honest, and yet a mystery. You are a well written literary character, or a man in a painting that you sit and stare and try your best to understand. You can tell something is on their mind, but never what or why, not even it’s level of importance.
I had a dream last night. It seemed mostly to be my mind organizing the events of the day, but hidden there seemed to be hints. I was saved by people catching me several times and I was thankful, but in the end it was the person that I saved that I wanted, and yet I know in real life, this person is also a good friend who is unavailable for my doting.
Maybe one day I’ll learn to live the happy medium, but trying to convince yourself you love someone you don’t is complacency, and I’ve never been the kind to be complacent. I guess being either extremely happy, extremely sad, or both is what comes with my brain, both, but never in between.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve by writing this, maybe just clarification for my own sake . Maybe spilling out my feelings via text, spells them out as well where all can see, including me.
Please share your feelings with me, you’ve got my chest cavity open for surgery, and I’d like to know your qualifications and my chance for survival.
Let me know,
Smith Addison
#16
Why don’t I love you my darling?
I guess I should call you my friend
I suppose I must now tell the truth
Though it’s so much easier to pretend
.
I thought we were onto something
when all of the numbers worked out
I should be head over heels
but instead I’m just riddled with doubt.
-Smith Addison
#15
You are what
I aspire to be
because you are so
completely unlike me.
-Smith Addison
#14
Nightmares
are the wares
of those hidden from light
Microscopic cracks
the nicks and knacks
of those hiding in the night
daydreams
are the schemes
of crazy plans to fight
to escape
the truthful fate
of finding yourself in light
-Smith Addison
#13
We are the monsters
because we fear the unknown
but refuse to take time to see
the thing behind the monster mask
the masked things should be our heroes
but instead we mock them
until the monster becomes real
we are the villains and do not care
to understand, to pull off the mask.
-Smith Addison
#12
Pull the rabbit out of the hat
and the anxiety out of my head
make the card go to the top of the deck
make the world make sense
saw the screaming lady in half
and put me back together
get yourself out of the straight jacket
and me out of my head
-Smith Addison
#11
I want to kiss you like the world is ending
and for you to hold me like we have forever
I want to breathe you in and sigh releif
because every breath assures you’re real
I want to memorize your every smile
and you my every line and curve
I want to stroke your face like yesterdays
have no effect upon the world
I want to be the very last thought
you have before you sleep each night
I want every time we lock eyes
to unlock our sincerest smiles
but of all these things I want
for you to be happy is what I need
-Smith Addison
#10
Damn. She never falls for the puppy dog eyes. I guess I’ll have to try another approach; logic? Wait… that requires the other party to understand. Hmm… Oh! I know. I’ll be aggressive.
“Look Buddy,” I muster my best I-will-take-you-down look, “I am sincerely sick of your crap, I’ve tried reasoning with you, but you won’t listen so out!”
Apparently this got to her, because she trotted out with her tail between her legs.
What can I say, I love my Labrador puppy, but she just won’t listen to me.
-Addison Smith
#9
house of cards
don’t breathe too hard
don’t flinch or flutter
don’t screw up
it’ll fall apart
it all builds up
to that moment
it doesn’t matter
if the rest was easy
or took extra effort
place one card wrong
and the whole thing shatters
easy does it
we’re counting on you
to be different
be better
this isn’t for you
not anymore
it’s bigger than that
make it
place the card already
don’t screw up
be strong
be steady
I can’t afford
for you to break down
if you mess up
I’ll be the clown
how hard you try
don’t mean jack shit
neither does anything
you do after it
this is wrong
it makes no sense
I’m not proud of this
anyone can stack the cards
and someone stacked them
against me
this card house wont work
it needed support in the beggining
it didn’t have it
so now it’s weak and shakey
it needs something to lean on
so what of this house of cards
I don’t want it to matter
I would rather leave now
than watch my house shatter.
-Addison Smith
